I'm going through my boxes of papers and 'stuff', and throwing things away. I am finally at the point, where it doesn't matter. I don't want it. I kept thinking, this is who I was, I will find my way back there, I will become the way I used to be. Duh, it finally hit on me, no, it doesn't happen like that. It's like the wake of a boat, it's there, it's real, and then it's gone and new wake is there. Constantly changing. You don't go back and look for the wake that you saw before, no matter how much you liked it. It's gone and pay attention because there's a new one. It's ever changing, good, bad, and middle, it just 'is'.

And, another thing is, how can I make room for 'new' if my arms are still full of the 'old'. Put it down, let it go, then there's room for new. That's true even in a very basic sense, whether it's new experiences, ideas, clothing, anything. Even with clothing, I'd feel like, I don't like it, but I can wear it and what if I get rid of it and I can't get another one. I will get another one when it's time. That's it. I'm not going to be naked, I will have clothes. And every single thing I need.

It's harder with my personality and the traits that make or made up who I used to be. But what if, what if, what if....there's not new, there's nothing? That's what I've been afraid of for so long. I had one way to define myself, and I liked it fine, and if I didn't have that, would I even exist? I was so afraid.

I asked God so many times to help me, to let me know what to do, and He was, but I didn't know it. He gently brought me along this path, gave me choices, and helped me and loved me every minute. I fall down a lot, and maybe always will, but He stays right there and helps me up, no matter what I do wrong. I have been working on trusting Him to lead me, trusting that He knows the way when I don't have a clue. I'm trying to let go of all my "but what if's" and just treat each day as if it were a wonderful gift given to me. Because it is.

It's funny, I had an image in my head when I was writing that, of God standing there with his arms folded and a bored, but loving, look on his face while he watched me running around him in circles over and over again, panicking trying to figure everything out and where He was and He was right there beside me, waiting for me to calm down and listen.

I know this stuff sounds weird or very simple to a lot of people, but this has been serious stuff for me. I feel like I stopped running around in circles and I'm very much aware of God being with me. I want to remember I'll probably always get sidetracked and go off looking for Him and not paying attention, but maybe with each time, I'll find my way back faster. As long as I find my way back, I'll be okay.


Books, movies, music.

I'm trying to tackle adding favorite books to my Space. I have so many, so many. On so many different topics. I only keep books that I love. I live in a little room, and have over 700 books. And of course, I read several a week from the library. I'm an information junkie for sure. I HAVE to know things. If I see a tree I don't know, or hear a word I don't know the meaning of, I can't stand it. I gotta find out. And of course, the more you know, the more you realize you DON'T know much at all, so it's a viscous circle, I'll tell ya.

So I'm at least trying to add some of the authors I like. As far as fiction goes, I don't read a lot of fiction, and most of it is very light. It's like an hour vacation for me, and I love to just escape with a light mystery like Grafton's or Evanovich's.

Movies are the opposite problem, I'm not a movie person. I can't sit still to get through a whole movie anyway. So I'll just list a few I liked enough to buy them. And music, I only like a little bit of music.   I know, what's with me anyway??



I came home from work and took a nap. 4 hours. Is that a nap or am I done for the day/night? I feel better though. Every now and then you just gotta indulge in some good sleep.

I've been wrestling with the asthma/bronchitis stuff for a month or so, but I did go months without it. Then the day before Spring, I had had a cold, and was getting worse so I went to the doc, hoping to head off the circle of respiratory stuff. Too late, bronchitis and pneumonia. Almost made it all the way through the winter. I wish I had answers for this stuff. I do NOT want to be on meds full-time. They are saying that's what I need to do, but I just think I have so much time without symptoms, I'm not ready to take pills and steroid inhalers every day. I have lung damage and asthma from growing up in a house where both parents smoked. I never smoked. My parents both smoked 2+ packs a day, but we didn't have money for proper groceries or medical help, bought a lot of our school clothes at Goodwill, etc...but they had money for cigarettes. NOT that I'm ANGRY or anything. lol. I know we all make mistakes, they made them and so do I. Just different ones. My brother has similar respiratory issues, but my 2 sisters do not. Go figure.

Hey, it was in the 80's yesterday, bright and sunny. Gorgeous. It's going to snow tonight! I love the changes. Love them! Supposed to have snow the next couple of days, doubt it stays on the ground long after the warm weather we've had. Oh, I just heard the news, it's snowing now in the area. I'm in the northeast corner of Tennessee, in the mountains. Kingsport. Gorgeous place. But Eastman is heck on my asthma, I'll tell ya.      


So many personalities, so little time.

I have multiple facebook, twitter, myspace, windows live, and blogger sites that I can't even find. So many personalities, so little time...

And the websites, if it's free...I got one. I just don't know where they are or what I named them or the password. I feel so guilty taking up all this cyberspace. Most delete them after a certain amount of time, so I hope like bad debts only years faster, they are gone.

This and 1 of my facebooks is all I ever show up for. I was following me on Twitter but I got lost. Oh dear.


I'm Rich! almost

Since Spaces changed format a few months ago, my email spam has changed. I'm getting a lot of weirdo email, and I never have before. Well, except know who you I'm quite the International "Who's Who", I'm getting emails from all over the world. Evidently, Nigeria is the place to be right now, lots of money floating around, I can't wait until my loot gets here.

I didn't even know I had relatives in Lome, Togo. I thought that was in the South Pacific, but no, believe it or not, it's next to my relatives in Ghana and Nigeria. There's a little country called Benin in between, so far I haven't heard from anyone there. Anyway, evidently I come from quite wealthy family, and I'll be receiving millions of US dollars very soon. I'm so excited! I've already gone shopping and written checks on a few items.

Here are a couple of excerpts from today's emails:

I am Barrister George Godwin, a legal practitioner, I am the personal attorney to Mr.J.Jannaj, a national Of your country, who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo. He used to be my client.


I have a profiling amount in an excess of US$19MILLION, which I seek you to accommodate for me. You will be rewarded with 30% of the total sum for your partnership. We deal on Gold,  HMS 1 & 2, COCO, RS 50/60.

The funds  have  since left to a  private financial  institution where the where the fund was deposited.While I was on the process, my boss recently got arrested on January 19th,2009  for his involvement in politics by financing the leading and opposing political parties in our country Ghana.

All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the above mentioned sum and  I will  re-profile the funds with your data, which will enable the financial company release the money.This transaction has to be concluded as soon and as I confirm your readiness to proceed with me,I will provide you with details.

I hate this stuff showing up, and this is just scam spam. The weird stuff makes me want to cancel my account. Ewwww.


Where's the beef? Or pork?

I am SO happy over the weather! I even have a little bit of a sunburn from working outside last weekend.I cleaned up leaves and branches and cleaned, sanded and painted the charcoal grill. It's all ready for you to bring ribs over! Wouldn't it be cool if we could have everyone on our friend's list over for a barbecue?


I'm going to a church retreat this coming weekend, I'm really looking forward to it. It's supposed to be rainy and in the 40's, but even staying inside will be great.        




To Me, when feeling depressed.

  Letter to me, when I'm feeling depressed:

Dear Grumpy Sweetie-Pie,

I know you feel yucky, but I want to remind you that it's okay to feel this way sometimes. Hey, remember when you felt like this for months? Yeah, that wasn't fun. You don't go through that kind of depression now. Just a day or two of hiding under the covers, or a few days of blah, glass is almost empty type of blues. If it's worse than that, sleep, call your therapist, and wait. But the first thing to do, is to take an extra half of a Zoloft, and two Excedrin. Really, the chemicals from being depressed are much worse for you than those.

If you're hiding under the covers, and you don't want to change that, then hey, go with it. Lay there, sleep, eat, cry, whatever. Within an hour or a few hours, you will have a thought of something you'd rather do than lay there. That's when you start feeling better. Get up and start doing whatever it is you thought of.

If you don't want to lay around, then try these things: Read a fiction book, preferably a mystery. Have Pat go get you a couple at the library. Eat something very yummy, preferably with ice cream. Enjoy it. Smile, make yummy sounds, etc. You Deserve Yumminess. Get some of your Sark books out. Say a prayer of thanks. Say a prayer of asking for help. Call Jesse. Don't do what you're 'supposed' to be doing...there's a good chance you're depression is from being overwhelmed with a project or the number of things you 'need' to do. Don't do those right now. Work on your photos, write, make something cool, organize, move stuff, clean your desk, whatever sounds fun.

If you can...shower, dress and go out. Pier One and/or the bookstore always cheer you up. If you can't do that, then put on your baseball cap and ragged jeans and go out anyway. Or just go out in the yard. Look in the shed. Feed the birds. Go see the kids next door.

If you're functioning fairly well, but just very blah/bluesy, go to the bookstore and read, take your laptop with you or to Panera's. Spend a dollar on a bagel, drink water, and they'll be happy to have you. Nah, they're happy to see me even if I just get water. lol. Try to make yourself go to work, no matter what. You can come home if you don't feel better within an hour. Remember all the times you go and within a few minutes, you're involved helping somebody else, and feeling better.

Remember, if you're going to be depressed, do it right. Make sure people who see you know you're depressed. Slouch, walk with your head down. Walk slow, shuffle feet a little if you can do it without tripping, none of this ADHD bouncy stuff...that just ain't right. Don't smile, no matter what. Not even at babies. Okay, that's impossible, go ahead and smile at babies, but don't expect the depression to hang on very long if you're out smiling at babies!


Job Hunt

Aww, another Monday without Big Bang Theory. New episodes start March 17. Yippee! It is so wonderful to have a life that I can even THINK about tv shows and when missing one is actually a negative thing. lol.

Worked today, but probably not the rest of the week. I need to job hunt. For something. Somewhere. I'm tired of being a Brain Scientist/Rocket Surgeon, there's just no challenge to it anymore.    Jan


Fun With Church

I didn't go to church today. As some know, I've been looking for a 'home' church. I am a born-again Christian, but am not particular about a church's denomination. I love the diversity and freedom we have to worship in so many different ways, in and out of church. I've been awfully sober, no pun intended, in my writing today, so I wanted to offer a little lighthearted entry this time. These things show up in my email so often, from so many different places, I don't know how to begin to give acknowledgements or ask for permissions to put them in here. I can just say I did not write them. But I did laugh out loud at them.

No Excuses

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be allotted at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can!

Hope to see you there! --------Author Unknown.


How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Episcopalians/Anglicans: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.

Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.



A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"


I published this yesterday, then deleted it, then made a change, and I'm republishing. It had two sentences in it that I decided were inappropriate for this context. But, in the few minutes that it was here, I got several comments and hate that I don't still have them. Is there anyway to get them back? I got 4 emails asking why I deleted the post, and I really think it was up there less than an hour. After listening and replying to them, I thought I'd throw it back up here, sans a little bit of it. Not that it's interesting, but just because I wrote it and that's the purpose of this for me. Just to put anything and everything that I want here. If I have things I want to write about that are more private, I might make another space. I don't think so though, my life's pretty much an open blog.

I thank everyone for their comments and feel free to repost.

Feb 23

Some days more than others my adhd is a problem. Today is one. I went to run errands with a friend, and I must have wandered off in stores a dozen times. At one time, she wanted me to help her with something, and a salesman was also helping us. He went to check on something, and I found myself reading the backs of TV tuner card boxes to see what would fit my laptop and how much they were. Then I remembered her and went back across the store and acted like I'd been there the whole time. Then she said something, and then I was playing Playstation 3, 3! that was set up and there was a Nascar game, and it did hold my attention until I noticed she was next to me to see if I could come back over and help her. I felt so bad. This is not just rude behavior, I wanted to help her, and I would not do anything rude to her, ever. I just don't know what happens. It is funny in a way I know, and usually my antics amuse me and those around me. But sometimes I really really try to behave, and I just can't.

I think later I'm going to write a little about add and adhd, it's a very important part of my life, influencing about everything, and SO many people have it and don't know it. It's a lot easier to handle when you know you have it, and you learn coping skills. AND, you learn to enjoy the great things about it!   Wanna Ride Bikes?  Jan

weather report


I can't believe it's been this long since I posted. I've been healthy and happy, just working a lot. Sometimes in the evenings I come over here and surf around reading your blogs, but don't get around to posting to my own, and I seldom even leave a comment these days. But I love reading your posts and seeing what you're up to. Okay, I'm a lurker at heart.

After growing up in Florida and in South Texas, no matter how long I'm here I still think of the end of February as Spring. The day after Christmas, the kids and I used to put away every Christmas item, while listening to Jimmy Buffett. The windows would be open, and I'd be thinking about what I wanted to plant that year. The last frost date there is February 28, even though many years we didn't have any freezes at all. Here...the last frost date is April 28, we often have a last, little snow in April. So here I am thinking, if I ran in and out covering and uncovering plants, perhaps I could sneak in a few annuals now. I don't think that would work when it's 2 degrees though. I'm thankful we do have beautiful weather in this part of the country (northeast Tennessee). I love it more than having the same weather most of the time that I've had before. It's been a typical winter week here, the low's been around 8, and the high in the mid 60's. Sunshine, snow, rain and hail. One day we had all of them within a few hours of each other.

I also have not been sick. I'm so pleased. I don't remember a winter I didn't have pneumonia at least once. I have some coughing which seems to hang out most of the time with asthma, but that's it.

October Accident

I was crossing a two lane road. The school bus came up over the hill to my right, speeding. He was so fast he hit me before I got across the road. I was in a 1990 Mazda, he hit the passenger side of the car. No passengers in my car nor in the bus. My car was knocked across the interection, took out a sign, went through the middle of two telephone poles with guy wires, and into a field. I remember vividly being hit, knowing I was dying and praying. Then I remember people yelling around me and telling me to be very still. My chest hurt so bad I was afraid I had crushed my heart or something, I couldn't get much of a breath, and there was blood everywhere. All I could think of were my kids. I'm a Christian, and I know a lot of Christians say they are ready to go to heaven at any time. But I don't want to leave yet. I don't. I love my life and everything that goes with it. I kept saying I didn't want to die. There were a couple of women who stayed right next to the car window with me, and one held my hand and prayed out loud for me. There wasn't a whole lot left of my car, and I know these people have seen cars catch on fire or even blow up from gas tanks, but there were a lot of people who stayed right there and tried to help. An off duty paramedic made sure I didn't move, and stopped the bleeding a couple of places, and then the firemen and paramedics were there. They were trying to get me out, and my radio was still playing the Alan Jackson gospel music cd I had been listening to. One remarked in a good natured way that it was probably having that on that saved me. I don't remember much for a while after that. I do remember how kind people were. I remember how kind the emergency crew was, and how the guy in the ambulance kept talking to me to keep me awake on the way to the hospital.

I did not have very serious injuries at all. I had a broken breast bone and a couple of broken ribs and some lacerations. I was very, very lucky.

For a long time afterward, actually I'm still going through this, I kept wondering why it happened, what I'm supposed to learn from it, what I'm supposed to be doing differently. And I just don't know. I expected some enlightenment, or something to happen to give me an inkling of what to do. And I don't know. Sometimes I feel so pathetic, so worthless, because I should be doing something important. And I just don't have a clue. Don't get me wrong, I am enormously grateful 24/7 for the incredibly wonderful life I have. I have blessings beyond measure every day of my life. I just want to give back more.

My Little Car


be careful today

I passed a car accident yesterday. It had obviously just happened, there were no emergency vehicles yet, but a lot of people had stopped to help. I called it in to 911, they said it had been called in and I saw the flashing lights coming. It upset me more than usual, because it had similarities to an accident I was in in October. I saw the small car smashed in, and a Ford Explorer with minor damage to it's front. In about a half an hour, I had to go back that way, and there were a lot of emergency vehicles still there. And, as I got closer, I could see, the coroner's van. I was so upset. I knew then that the person in the little car was dead.. My heart goes out to the family, I can't imagine what they are going through right now.

We just don't know when or how we will leave. We're coming home from work, or going to the grocery store, and it can happen. We're all well aware of the dangers in our everyday life. But most of us don't live like every single day is VERY important. Sometimes it's hard for me to find the balance, between worrying about what could happen, and my usual Pollyannish mindset of happy happy joy joy. I stay on the Pollyanna Pedestal as often as I can, so it's a real blow to fall off onto the cold hard concrete. I don't know if there is a good balance, or maybe this is the best balance for me. To live as if everything is wonderful, and joyous, but being aware that it's often not. I guess that's better than the other way around.

Well, hug everyone in sight, tell people you love them, think what are you going to do today to make a difference, and Be Careful Out There.     Jan



Camera Stuff

My cousin has a new Space. She posted this as part of her blog today and I wanted to add it to mine, because a lot of you are photographers. All I know about a camera is to push that little button, and sometimes even then I push the wrong one. On my point and shoot Nikon, I focus, get my shot set up just right, make the person or puppy hold still....then I push the OFF button. Oh dear.  Anyway, if anyone can give advice, she'd sure appreciate it.   Jan

 From Pat....

February 22

Desperately seeking: a camera

Still on the camera search. I have looked everywhere I can think of for a good deal. I have been to ebay, amazon, ritz, best buy, sears and circuit city (over n over again). I have looked in the paper, the trading post and all those offbeat sites on the net. I have looked at new and used cameras. I don't tend to be someone that jumps at the first thing to come along....I think things out and weigh them in the balance...or rather over think them.... I'm about burnt out on this  search.   Been checking out Canon's Powershots (S5IS, G7, G9) and Canon's EOS 30D. Just keep coming back to the the latter. I want to fine the right camera for me. Hopefully at a decent $ and buy it. .


blah  I'm so blah and sluggish today. I feel like Eeyore, only maybe slower. And sluggisher. And I'm certainly not in any danger of loosing my tail. Okay, maybe not so much like Eeyore. I think what is wrong is that it's February. I love the weather in general here, but in February, we do have quite a few dark, drizzly days. This year we do anyway. Not much snow, it snows a lot of days, but doesn't stick. So there's not snow to PLAY in, and that's the only kind of snow to have. It seems like it's been 45 and rainy for a long, long time. At least since Monday. See, I'm even blah and wishy washy in my blogging. Maybe more like Charlie Brown with the wishy-washy-ness. I guess I'm just me and this is how I am sometimes. In February.  jan


Grandaughter's Amusement

I went shopping for my Grandaughter's birthday today. She'll be 8 on the 28th. I was talking to her on the phone, asking what she wanted for her birthday. She talks nonstop, and is very dramatic and absolutely charming. She's rattling off all these things she'd just LOVE to have....and then finally at the end, she says, "Or just whatever you think would amuse me"  Haha, that's my goal every day is finding things to amuse me. I got her books (of course) a pair of pink pants, a white shirt, a bunch of accessory/jewlery/hair type stuff and Lipsmackers. She loves everything. American Girl anything is her favorite, but I could send her a new box of crayons and she'd be ecstatic. I love that quality in a child. In anyone for that matter.

I'd like to know how you organize your digital photos. There are so many programs, I'm not sure what's best, and mine are getting out of hand. Hope you are all having a good evening.     Jan



Who's watching the eclipse? We are under heavy cloud cover. Anybody have pics?   Jan

Photo of the In-house Comedy Troupe


These are Pat's Bichon Babies. Magnolia Blossom (Maggie) and Bella Blue. 24/7 comedy.

mensa dogs

I joined a conversation on IQ at the bookstore today. There was a couple talking about IQ stuff I guess, all I heard was when they asked the guy at the table next to them if he knew who that "smart guy" was that was in a wheelchair. The guy said he knew who they meant...but couldn't think of his name. Of course I...sitting 3 tables away...had to tell them it was Stephen Hawking.

I do that a lot. I'll join in conversations and I don't know why, but people usually let me and keep talking to me. Seems like they'd say, "Were we talking to you?" or walk away or tell me to mind my own business. Now, I don't do it if it's something personal, but if they are discussing something not so personal, I just can't help it.

So, anyway, then they got to saying he was the smartest person in the world. And I said....well, smart is subjective, and they were saying IQ wise he was and the other guy said no, that woman in Parade magazine was...etc.

So then we got to talking about IQ itself. They had the view that high IQ people were very smart and had science jobs and so forth. And I said...I know you want to know what I said, 'cuz you don't even know those other people...

I said that IQ was like a bucket. IQ is how big your bucket is. The bigger the IQ, the bigger the bucket. It doesn't have a lot to do with what's IN the bucket. You can have a big ol' bucket that's got a whole bunch of nothing in it, or a little bit of very important stuff, or somewhere in the middle. Now, if you've got a 175 bucket, and it's full of baseball card statistics, and dialogue from British comedy shows on Public Television, it's not that impressive. If you've got a 95 bucket, and it's full of useful information, life skills, communication skills and Ambition...well, now you've got something. Or of course, a 150 bucket that's a quarter full vs. a 100 one that's pretty near running over it's so full...there again the 100 is way ahead. I have a rather large bucket, but there seems to be a hole in it. There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear you remember that song?

I know quite a few people who belong to mensa, an organization based on high IQ. I know 2 doctors, 2 therapists, teachers, waitresses, a lot of minimum wage earners, and a whole lot of chronically unemployed people. I was afraid when I visited a mensa meeting that people there would be using big words that I didn't know, and talking about politics, science, and the stock market. The two main topics were recipes for home made ice cream, and their dogs. They were like real people. Go figure.




Okay, I'll give it a try.

Two Names You go by:  Mom, Grandma, Jan, Janet, and Honey (Living in this part of the south, everyone is Honey, I love it!)

Things You are wearing Right Now:  jeans and a navy blue t-shirt.

Two Things you want or (have) in a relationship:  To be loved for exactly who I am, and fun.

Two of your favorite things to do:  Read and build and paint stuff.
Two things you Did last night: Read Computer magazines and watched TV.

Two People you last talked to: Pat (my cousin), and my oldest daughter.

Two Things you are doing tomorrow: Finish building cabinet shelves in the kitchen, and going to the library.

 Two Longest Car rides:  My family used to drive from Houston to Virginia every summer, and that was in the 50's and 60's. Recently, from Virginia to Austin. Also from Boulder, CO to South Bend, IN.

Two Favorite Drinks:  Water, iced tea.

Two things about me you may not have known: I didn't go to high school, and I could read before I was 3.

Two Jobs I have had in my life: Two, geez, that will only cover the past month. My first job was Cookie fairy in Kindergarten, my last job was painting.

Two movies I watch over & over:  Beautiful Mind, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs.

Two of my favorite foods: Steak and Chocolate Pie.

Two places I would rather be right Now:  At any of my kid's houses; a warm, sunny beach.

Ok, now it is my turn to tag someone, I don't know very many people. Robin if you haven't been tagged already, and Pat (Pecaso - she's my cousin, and just started a Spaces site).    Jan



Last night was much better. Just the usual people after me, bees, and of course moving. I move every night. Often into the same place as the night before. A long time ago, I learned to wake myself up if I was having a bad dream, and usually it works. Not sure what was going on two nights ago when it didn't. My dreams are intense, full color, surround sound, virtual reality experiences. I wish I could reach even a fraction of that when I'm awake. Sometimes I take a nap on a day off, just for the amusement value. Really, other people go to movies, I take a nap. Steven Spielberg and Stephen King seem to direct most of them, depending on if it's a nightmare or not.
I go to a lot of the same places in my dreams. Sometimes I wonder if this is a dream, and my dreams are the real thing. Okay, I don't really, but it's an interesting version of reality.
Reality varies an enormous amount, depending on the person. A teenager living wealthy in America, a man who's schizophrenic with voices, someone with a psychosis, a woman in the Sudan, and a severe Heroin addict. They can all tell you what reality is, but their individual versions don't bear a lot of resemblance to each other.


Bad Dreams

I had extra bad nightmares last night. Nightmares and bad dreams are very common for me, and usually don't get to me. But I woke half the house up yelling, and I didn't wake myself up. Not sure how that works. I mean my mouth is like a few inches from my ear. I sleep with my door closed, the others sleep with their doors closed and their TVs on. Geez. AND, I still have a sore throat and am hoarse, don't even have much of a voice. That was a very bad nightmare. Then I finally get back to sleep, and have more nightmares, but not the same one or as bad.  Jan


Valentine's Day, Take Two

I had a good Valentine's Day. I stayed home, trying to get over a cold, by sleeping, eating chocolate and reading mystery novels. Yes, it worked quite well, thank you. I feel great today. I always think about love in general, and how fortunate I am to be such a loved person. I have so many people who love me, and I love myself, which is a big deal for me.

When my kids were growing up, every year I made home-made chocolate chip cookies and put them in little brown paper bags I decorated. I also made a white cake in a heart-shaped pan, with home-made chocolate mousse topping and fresh strawberries. Now my kids are grown and live in different places, and I'm often alone, but it brings back the best, warm feelings, to remember those Valentine Days. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone, and I hope you have an abundance of love in your lives.   Jan

Valentine's Day, Take One

I barely thought about it being Valentine's Day yesterday. But I like the holiday (okay, I started to abbreviate it with VD, but then thought better of it)  SO, anyway, for me it makes me think about love in general, not just romantic love. NO, NOT VD, Valentine's Day. Stoppitt.  Oh forget it. I'm such a child. Remember when we were little kids, and someone or something on tv would say a word that could possibly in some way be a "naughty" word, and we'd giggle? Yes, you do remember, no, I was NOT the only one!  I need a moment.  lol


Oprah's Online Seminar

Jenny sent me this, and I wanted to share it. I just checked it out and registered.   Jan

February 14 6:38 PM

Jan, I got the book, but while I was at Oprah's site, I saw another thing I signed up for and you might be interested in it, too --and it's free.  If you go back to her site and click on the book "A New Earth", there's an online seminar/class starting March 3rd and going for 10 weeks every Monday night.  You have to sign up for 2 things: one being, and the other being Oprah's Book Club. Once you do this to reserve a spot for the classes, you'll be able to watch the class and even participate live online.  Check it out. We can be classmate buddies, lol.  (the class is all about finding your life's purpose, so should be great)


Haha, bet you thought I had a date....haha...okay, not really funny.

I wanted to tell you all that on, there's a free download of Suze Orman's book: Women and Money. It's the whole book, about 300 pages, it only took a few seconds to download on my computer, but I don't want to print it! Or maybe I will after I read some. It's from yesterday's show, and the offer expires at 8pm, 7 central this evening.    Jan




Interpreting Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged,
well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals

each envelop he
sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the
man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" she asks.

"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


<><> <><> <><> <><>
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

Just Thinking about job stuff.

I've been doing some painting and light construction. I love to paint, but I'd like to get out of the physical stuff. I need a direction to go in. In which to go. Prepositions drive me nuts. I'm checking into getting a teaching certificate. I got a liberal arts BA in 1998, I might be able to get a teaching certificate fairly easily. Do I want to be a teacher? Can I be a teacher? What if I got stressed and went home? I did that on a couple of telemarketing jobs. (I hate to sit down, we had to ask permission to potty, and often the answer was no! Do I want to go back into Social Work? Do I want to have another computer tech job? I don't know. I just don't know.

I've read to do what you love, and the money will follow. I "like" to do a lot of things. I love to do a couple.  I love to read, read several books a week. I love to be at home. Not necessarily where I live now, but home in general, wherever it is at the moment. Hey, I love to eat and cook. So I could cookbooks at home, yeah, they're gonna pay me for that, huh? I work on computers at home, and make some money from that, but not enough to live on. I don't think anyone will pay me to stay home and read and eat. lol.

Babies, I love babies. My ideal situation would be to find a guy raising 5 kids on his own and needs a stay at home mom for his kids.

I do well with people, people like me and like spending time with me. I like people, but get overwhelmed easily when I'm out. I have social anxiety, but am not shy. It's weird. So most of the time, I can have a people job, but sometimes I can't.  When I can't, I have panic attacks. I'm working on this, taking a course for it.

Things I'm thinking about doing/being:  Firedog at Circuit City; working in grocery store management; stocking at night for anywhere not too heavy (over 50 pounds); trying to start a tutoring business. Things I'm thinking about that take more education or training: teaching, librarian (master's degree, can't get right now), therapist (master's degree and tons of intern hours, not feasible, but it's what I was in school for to begin with).

Some Things I've done: Sorted by date:

Cookie hander outer in Kindergarten.

In charge of Play-Doh until I mentioned it was good and salty. (only job I was ever fired from)

Restaurant: Everything-management, cook, waitress.

Boat builder.

Publix Deli Manager

Meat, fish, and cashier at grocery stores.

Construction: Too much to list.

Landscaper, own business and worked for County in Florida.

Garden Center manager.

Day Care owner, teacher.

Social Work:  abused kids, domestic violence, counselor, taught parenting and life skills, ran support groups, case management.

Tech support for aol, msn, webtv, various companies.

Telemarketing, about 4 jobs, none which lasted more than a month.

A day at a box factory, put together boxes.

An hour at a Clorox factory.

A half day at a styrofoam factory.

Networking, tech support, and media and event audio/visual/tech support for Museum at Boeing.

Oprah makes me cry

Awww...I'm sitting here with Oprah on, crying. There's a woman with 4 kids, on her own after her abusive husband commited suicide. He was an a** and canceled all insurance...etc...before he died.

The wonderful thing in all this, is that she's not being abused, and Oprah and Suze Orman are helping her. Her relatives are stepping up to the plate and helping with whatever she needs. She has NO money, has to sell her house, move into a one bedroom apartment. I love her. I wish Suze and Oprah would spend five minutes talking to me. They need to be strict and tell me to get my act together and stop floundering around. I feel like I can't do it.



I was so surprised to find so many birthday wishes when I signed on. Thank You All so very very much!

I was saving you all a piece of Chocolate Birthday Pie, but seems to be gone now. Maybe the puppies found it and ate it. Or....maybe, perhaps, possibly I might have accidently eaten it. Yum!

I went to my daughter's in Newport News for the weekend. I had not been in that part of the country before, so it was a big treat for me. What a beautiful drive and place NN is. My cousin Pat went, and even drove her truck. That was a great b'day present in itself! We drove north from Kingsport to Roanoke, over to Richmond and then down to Newport News. Not the most direct route, but the fastest according to Gabby, (her Garmin GPS). About a 6 hour drive. Friday was a beautiful day to travel, temps in the upper 60's, and sunny, more of the same on Saturday. Coming home last night, it was very windy and around 20. We stopped at an exit where all the power was off, everywhere, and we also passed a lot of brushfires. 

My daughter and her boyfriend and my grandson took really good care of us, and we were so comfortable and very well fed. My grandson, who is 11, shared his movies and video games with me. I watched Rattatouille, which I had not wanted to see...rats?? But it was very cute, and I liked the cooking parts. But no, I still don't want rats around. Living in Florida most of my life, I used to go to the beach on my birthday. It was nearly always around 45 degrees and dark and rainy. Saturday we went to the beach and it was perfect. 65, sunny, no wind. Gorgeous day.

Today though, I woke up with a sinus headache and sore throat, I hope it's just allergies or a plain ol' cold. 

Much Love To You All, I missed Spaces!  Jan



The best thing about the Super Bowl is that Tom Petty is on right now! Even better than the commercials. I didn't realize how much I miss him. And my cousins are having wings in the living room, and I've got a mess of 'em in here with me. And pizza. Joy Joy. Yep, I think I like to eat way too much. I've got to say, I'm disappointed in the commercials so far. As you can probably tell, I'm not a football fan, I do actually know who's playing, but don't know who's winning. I think Tom Petty is by far. The only things I like about football are when they cuddle or get in a cuddle and have turnovers. Or something like that.    I don't like the emoticons we have to choose from, can we use some other ones? How?     Jan



I've noticed when I make lists on here, sometimes the number order gets changed around. The order seems to vary. huh.

I have been having so much fun visiting sites, is that called blog walking? I go to one of my friends sites, then I find things I like and click on the link and find a lot of other great sites like that. I'm trying to not have 200 friends my first couple of weeks on here, but it's hard not to. I'm amazed at the personalities and talents of the people I'm getting to know. And my favorite thing, is coming across women like me, my age group, a lot of the same interests, from or living in the south, and just....real people. Do you know what I mean? There I go again, talking to myself. At this point I've learned that some people are reading my blogs so I guess I can start feeling like I'm talking to somebody other than myself. I don't know why, but that's a really good feeling. I thank everyone who reads this for taking the time to make spaces and post blogs and photos and share yourselves.   Jan


I don't know about that Puxat Punxa Pucksa Umm... That Groundhog. There's a LOT of groundhogs around here and they definitely can see their shadows today. Maybe that means we'll have an early spring and Pennsylvania won't. I have never understood that anyway. It's sunny if you can see a shadow...why wouldn't sunny weather mean spring is closer than cloudy weather. I don't get it.

AND ANOTHER THING...I see the saying "Reach for the moon. Even if you miss you'll still be among the stars" a lot. That ain't right...the moon is far closer than the stars, you won't be near a star even if you're ON the moon. Geez, I just don't know about people. lol

Does this sound like those wireless phone commercials where the people are thinking too much about nothing?   Jan



I don't know what to do concerning job hunting. I don't know what I should do. I've done so many things, but most were what I had to do at the time, not anything I'd purposely choose. The only time I knew who I was and what I wanted, was during the years raising my kids. For over 17 of those years, I had a home daycare. I took care of between 3-8 kids, in addition to my own three. I loved it. I made more money that I would have in most other jobs I could do, but mostly, I had to work and it allowed me to be at home raising my own kids. I felt great about taking care of other mom's kids too. I made sure the parents were as comfortable in my home as their kids were. In so many ways it was the perfect job for me. My attention span and energy level is the same as a toddler's so that was an extra bonus! I love love love babies.

Then my life changed, my kids grew up, I went to school and got a B.A. I did social work: domestic violence, abused kids, shelters. I've worked in networking, programming, repairs and tech support for several computer companies, done construction work (skills leftover from early years), worked in retail, restaurants, landscaping, etc. I don't like working in day cares, no money, and I don't like the way they run things.

So, I have no idea what to do now. I've postponed getting anything full-time, I was in an accident a few months ago and have had to let my body heal, but I'm doing well and need to get back out there. Thought maybe if I wrote about it, I'd start figuring things out, but nope, nothing.      Jan 



I was changing channels this morning and most of the talk shows had segments on dieting at the same time. It's hard to tell how big someone is on tv. A woman who had lost 75 pounds was a size 6, and another was a size 2. Excuse me, but that seems awfully little to me. The size 6 woman looked average, but I know in real life she would look much smaller. I'd like to be smaller, but I've never wanted to be a size 6 or less. I want a certain amount of physical substance, I was a size 9 from the time I was in the 8th grade, until a couple of years ago. End of as I knew it... = EAT. I'd like to be a 9 again. I know how to do it, I know quite a bit about nutrition, calories, exercise, etc. But I don't know about motivation. I need to be more motivated than I am right now, that's for sure. A lot of women have distorted images of what size they really are. Most who do that think they are much larger than they are, I'm the opposite. I'm shocked all over again each time I go shopping and try something on. I think I'm much smaller than I really am. I don't get used to it, I hold a shirt up, think yep, that'll fit. Then I can't get it over my ta-tas. (Oh, I'm so glad I got to use the word ta-tas.) I can't even get the shirt down. And my back, not sure what's going on back there, I can't see it. But maybe I've developed a hunchback, or a growth the size of a third world country, because when I put on a size 12 button up shirt, which for some reason I've decided is my size, it barely will let my arms in it. It's only about 12 inches short of buttoning. They just don't make clothes like they used to. I think it's a conspiracy to sell diet products. I'm not a 'real' size 16 on top, the sizes are just different than they used to be. And my scale's wrong. And...and...and...

I can't buy a suit, or most dresses, I'm a 16 or 18 on top and still a 12 on the bottom. It's a wonder I can stand up straight. Gotta go, it's snacky time.   Jan


Spider Solitaire

I had a good day today. I went to an audition for a play, but I chickened out of reading for it. I told them I'd help with the sound and lighting though. Everyone that came to read was experienced and had done plays with the director before. It's just a little group, so I knew I'd be comfortable.

Then I went to the gym, I usually swim, but didn't today, just used some of the machines. I was in an accident in OCTOBER, and I'm still not completely healed. I haven't been going to the gym except a couple of times to swim a little since then.

Then I ran errands with my cousin, then I came home, then I cleaned out some of my closet, which has been an ongoing project the past few days, then I got something to eat, then I played Spider Solitaire while I talked to my daughter on the phone, then I found an old 3 Musketeers bar in my desk drawer and had to eat it to be sure it was good. If you're still awake, AdvilPM is good.    Jan



I'm quickly getting to know people on spaces. How very cool. It snowed a little off and on last night and today. But it's too warm to stay long. Mostly a very wet snow. I worked on a resume today. Depressed now.  Everything I read says Don't Lie On Your Resume! It's become obvious to me that I can just not tell the WHOLE truth, by leaving out jobs, and possibly get a job, or I can tell the TRUTH and definitely not get a job. I've never been fired, never had an employer that didn't like me, always had super reviews and move up quickly. But the past couple of years, I've had physical problems that are not problems now that I've had surgery, and I missed a lot of work with those problems. So that will no longer be an issue.

I don't know what I want to do. I want to do Social Work again, counseling and teaching life skillsa and parenting classes, and leading support groups. I worked in a fantastic place in Mukilteo, WA., last year in tech support. I'll write about it another time. Right now, I think I WANNA BE A FIREDOG!   (Circuit City Tech Support!)      J

Sock Puppets

I woke up this morning from a dream about sock puppets. I was creating a commercial - for what I have no idea. I had a whole bunch of sock puppets singing "Sock it to me Baby". I don't think I've thought of that awful song since the 60's, yet there it was in surround sound in my dream. I've never liked sock puppets either. I remember making the commercial and being quite pleased with it though.

Lately I've been working in a fast-food place and living in a really bad apartment in a really bad part of a really bad town in my dreams. Walking through the alleys, going in other apartments, scared all the time. Same places and people every night. and rats rats and more rats

Some day I'll write, "so I dreamed I was a Princess, in a far away land...and I had a horse and a puppy and I got to go shopping at Crate and Barrel every day. And I was oh so happy."

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I need to set priorities.

Currently, I am taking a couple of courses, working part-time painting, building bird houses that I sell, taking care of the house I live in and the people I live with. I live in a room in my cousin's house, and help take care of 3 semi-disabled adults, 3 dogs, a 2 acre yard, do the cooking, cleaning, yard work, laundry, exchange for room and board. I'm making almost no money, the part-time job is not going well. I have no vehicle, a headache, and I think a hangnail on, wait a minute, it's the other hand.

I need to eat healthier, loose 30 pounds, get a haircut, and stop slouching. I mostly need a business I can do from home that will pay enough to live on. (and I need to stop ending sentences with prepositions! I just can't help it!) Until I find that, I need a 'real' job and to stop messing around with a few bucks here and there. Until recently, I've worked full-time since I was 16. I owned my own business for 17 years. I've worked at different jobs, and can do a lot of things. This gives me tons of experience and a mess of a resume.

H E L P !




Tried yet another church today. The third one of this denomination. Will try another church, another denomination next week. These particular three churches are identical in most ways. They had the same white-haired ushers, with matching suits and glasses. The same congregations in the same clothes, and the same drowsy look on their faces. And, the same peculiar habit of not sitting in the front of the church. In every one, the congregation started about a fourth of the way back, so that all the pews in front of the pastor were empty. Hmmm. And of course the pastors, very nice guys. Same calm, mild, voice, same calm, mild sermons. Great guys, but.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz         J


A Change In Attitudes

I've caught the excitement of the inauguration the past few days. This is something the country desperately needs. I've talked about my depression, and it's clear the country is in a depression also, and not just financially. People are finding a reason to hope, a reason for hope, in Obama. This is a great thing. He may or may not possess the ability to live up to expectations, but the fact that so many people are behind him, that people believe things will be better, will make it true. We all know attitude is a very powerful tool, and take millions of people who think their lives will be better in the next year, and you bet their lives will be better. It will take more than a year to change drastically, but the time will certainly be shortened with this new attitude.

Found It

Ahh, there you are. I made a couple, ok, 4 homepages with 4 different providers, and am not sure where they all are. I like this one the best, it's very pleasing to look at and easy to use. The only problem is there's not near the traffic there is on some of the others, like myspace. I made my sites for myself, and write for myself as a therapeutic experiment. But, somehow it's kind of bothering me that I'm doing this and don't have anyone else to read it. Not that anyone would want to read it, but it'd be nice if someone kind of stumbled in here by accident and their computer screen kind of froze for a minute on the blog and they accidently read it, don't you think? Oh, that's right, you're not here. Well, I was kind of surprised to find my site again, and I had already forgotten about the keyboard incident, so it was almost like someone new reading it.   J


Lost the Instruction Manual

  I haven't been blogging much. Going through a depression, worse than it has been in a couple of years. I know I just have to keep trying, keep doing what I have to, and it will pass. It's hard to do anything I don't have to though. Know what I mean? I don't know what else to do. I don't want to wait until it leaves, I want it gone, now. I don't understand how someone can be one person for 30 years, and then just be kind of...lost, I guess. I could understand a year or so, but I just haven't been able to pull myself together. I feel like such a failure. I think I might need to move away from this area. It probably doesn't have anything to do with it, but I haven't progressed since I've been here. My situation has gotten worse instead of better. Not sure what to do, I want to be near my kids but they are scattered in 3 different states. I'd like to be near them, in Austin or South Bend, but I do not like either of those places. Too hot, too big, too cold, too dismal. I don't know, I guess I thought it might help to write about it. Hey Spacers, where should I move? What should I do? I sure pray a lot about it. Any fortune tellers out there?

Of course there are really great things in my life too though, I don't ever forget that or take it for granted. My kids and grandkids are doing great and bring me a great deal of pleasure. My health is good and my sense of humor is there no matter what. I've never really been so depressed I didn't giggle at stuff. Go figure.

Send me life instructions, I seem to have lost my copy.      jan

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So I'm sitting here, and I glance at the keyboard (I can't type an @ without looking), and notice little chunks of drywall mud have flaked off my hands and onto/into the keyboard. (I'm a part-time painter/remodeler). I got home from work and grabbed a sandwich, and plopped down at the computer. I guess I didn't scrub my hands enough. So, I got up and went to wash my hands again and to bring some qtips and a little paint brush to clean up my keyboard. Well, there weren't any qtips so I went to Walmart. There I was in Walmart with several storage containers, some of those little barbequed chicken nuggets from the Deli, the new Simpsons movie and shoelaces. I ran into a friend and we started talking, and decided to go to MaxMax the coffee shop and hang out a while. I was leaving Walmart and was at the register about to pay for my stuff and looked at the money in my hand, and noticed the drywall mud still there. I went back to get the q-tips, checked out, and came home instead of going to MaxMax. It's hard (but fun) being me.


Wanna Ride Bikes?

The thing is, is i don't know what to put on paper. what to actually write. But my head is always so full of chaos, and it's supposed to help to write things down. Like if i write some of it down it gets rid of it and there's more room in my head. Although all that's gonna happen is the chaos that's impatiently (no, chaos cannot wait patiently) waiting in the wings or maybe around my ears or somewhere else close to my brain because i don't actuallly have wings, is going to flood in and take up the space left by what i put on paper.

I'm adhd, and most of my life I've been very good at working around it. I've usually used it to my advantage, but right now my life situation has changed and it's driving me a little nuts. Can you tell?? I used to own a day care, which was the perfect job for me, because my attention span was the same as the toddlers! Every few minutes we could do something different and everyone was happy. I've done that on other jobs but everyone was NOT happy. I do well when I have a full time job and go to school and take care of people and pets and houses and yards. I love to clean and cook too. The more I have to do, or the more pressure I'm under, the easier it is for me to concentrate. I'm very busy right now, but not under the same pressure. I get very sidetracked, very easily.  Hey, wanna ride bikes? 



I don't know how to blog. I just know I'm supposed to write. Something, anything I guess. Well, I did it, that's enough for now. Whew....I gotta rest.    J



I usually don't make resolutions, because to me it's a list that says: here's the things you're definitely going to fail at this year. It's because I still have that defiant teenager in my head that will dig her heels in at the very idea there's something I am or am not supposed to do.

This year I want to make it easier for me, asking things of myself that I think I can succeed at will give me more confidence, and hopefully a higher self-esteem, which is lower than a snake's belly right now.

The first thing on my list is:

1. I will not smoke in 2009.

I know this is a very common, but difficult resolution for many people. I really  think I can do this one. I've never smoked before, so all I have to do is not take it up.

2. I'm going to try to take up gambling. This one will be harder because I don't gamble and have a problem with the idea. I play things way too safe, and therefore don't have anything. I've given up on the idea that if it's meant for me to win the lottery, I'll find the winning ticket in a parking lot. I need to stick my neck out and gamble a dollar every few weeks to give myself a (slightly) better chance at winning. Wild wild girl I'm becoming, geez, next thing you know I'll go on a date. Ohh my...I must stop this foolishness before it escalates to drinking a beer!

Is it here yet?

Is it the new year yet? I've been a little sick for a couple weeks or more, just that winter/sinus/bronchitis thing I get because of my asthma, nothing serious. It will turn into the spring/sinus/bronchitis asthma thing in a couple Anyway, I've been fighting it pretty well, but still run a low fever about all the time. BUT, last night and this morning, I slept for 12 hours!  I feel SOOO much better. Hey, maybe I was just sleepy. When I woke up about an hour ago, I was really out of it, thought ohhh i'm so tired...and started to go back to sleep when i realized I'd been asleep that long. Geez!

So, anyway, I was sure you'd all want to have an update on my sleeping patterns. lol, naw, I'll write more later. Possibly something more interesting, but probably not.   Love You All, HAPPY NEW YEAR!