I don't know what to do concerning job hunting. I don't know what I should do. I've done so many things, but most were what I had to do at the time, not anything I'd purposely choose. The only time I knew who I was and what I wanted, was during the years raising my kids. For over 17 of those years, I had a home daycare. I took care of between 3-8 kids, in addition to my own three. I loved it. I made more money that I would have in most other jobs I could do, but mostly, I had to work and it allowed me to be at home raising my own kids. I felt great about taking care of other mom's kids too. I made sure the parents were as comfortable in my home as their kids were. In so many ways it was the perfect job for me. My attention span and energy level is the same as a toddler's so that was an extra bonus! I love love love babies.

Then my life changed, my kids grew up, I went to school and got a B.A. I did social work: domestic violence, abused kids, shelters. I've worked in networking, programming, repairs and tech support for several computer companies, done construction work (skills leftover from early years), worked in retail, restaurants, landscaping, etc. I don't like working in day cares, no money, and I don't like the way they run things.

So, I have no idea what to do now. I've postponed getting anything full-time, I was in an accident a few months ago and have had to let my body heal, but I'm doing well and need to get back out there. Thought maybe if I wrote about it, I'd start figuring things out, but nope, nothing.      Jan 



I was changing channels this morning and most of the talk shows had segments on dieting at the same time. It's hard to tell how big someone is on tv. A woman who had lost 75 pounds was a size 6, and another was a size 2. Excuse me, but that seems awfully little to me. The size 6 woman looked average, but I know in real life she would look much smaller. I'd like to be smaller, but I've never wanted to be a size 6 or less. I want a certain amount of physical substance, I was a size 9 from the time I was in the 8th grade, until a couple of years ago. End of as I knew it... = EAT. I'd like to be a 9 again. I know how to do it, I know quite a bit about nutrition, calories, exercise, etc. But I don't know about motivation. I need to be more motivated than I am right now, that's for sure. A lot of women have distorted images of what size they really are. Most who do that think they are much larger than they are, I'm the opposite. I'm shocked all over again each time I go shopping and try something on. I think I'm much smaller than I really am. I don't get used to it, I hold a shirt up, think yep, that'll fit. Then I can't get it over my ta-tas. (Oh, I'm so glad I got to use the word ta-tas.) I can't even get the shirt down. And my back, not sure what's going on back there, I can't see it. But maybe I've developed a hunchback, or a growth the size of a third world country, because when I put on a size 12 button up shirt, which for some reason I've decided is my size, it barely will let my arms in it. It's only about 12 inches short of buttoning. They just don't make clothes like they used to. I think it's a conspiracy to sell diet products. I'm not a 'real' size 16 on top, the sizes are just different than they used to be. And my scale's wrong. And...and...and...

I can't buy a suit, or most dresses, I'm a 16 or 18 on top and still a 12 on the bottom. It's a wonder I can stand up straight. Gotta go, it's snacky time.   Jan


Spider Solitaire

I had a good day today. I went to an audition for a play, but I chickened out of reading for it. I told them I'd help with the sound and lighting though. Everyone that came to read was experienced and had done plays with the director before. It's just a little group, so I knew I'd be comfortable.

Then I went to the gym, I usually swim, but didn't today, just used some of the machines. I was in an accident in OCTOBER, and I'm still not completely healed. I haven't been going to the gym except a couple of times to swim a little since then.

Then I ran errands with my cousin, then I came home, then I cleaned out some of my closet, which has been an ongoing project the past few days, then I got something to eat, then I played Spider Solitaire while I talked to my daughter on the phone, then I found an old 3 Musketeers bar in my desk drawer and had to eat it to be sure it was good. If you're still awake, AdvilPM is good.    Jan



I'm quickly getting to know people on spaces. How very cool. It snowed a little off and on last night and today. But it's too warm to stay long. Mostly a very wet snow. I worked on a resume today. Depressed now.  Everything I read says Don't Lie On Your Resume! It's become obvious to me that I can just not tell the WHOLE truth, by leaving out jobs, and possibly get a job, or I can tell the TRUTH and definitely not get a job. I've never been fired, never had an employer that didn't like me, always had super reviews and move up quickly. But the past couple of years, I've had physical problems that are not problems now that I've had surgery, and I missed a lot of work with those problems. So that will no longer be an issue.

I don't know what I want to do. I want to do Social Work again, counseling and teaching life skillsa and parenting classes, and leading support groups. I worked in a fantastic place in Mukilteo, WA., last year in tech support. I'll write about it another time. Right now, I think I WANNA BE A FIREDOG!   (Circuit City Tech Support!)      J

Sock Puppets

I woke up this morning from a dream about sock puppets. I was creating a commercial - for what I have no idea. I had a whole bunch of sock puppets singing "Sock it to me Baby". I don't think I've thought of that awful song since the 60's, yet there it was in surround sound in my dream. I've never liked sock puppets either. I remember making the commercial and being quite pleased with it though.

Lately I've been working in a fast-food place and living in a really bad apartment in a really bad part of a really bad town in my dreams. Walking through the alleys, going in other apartments, scared all the time. Same places and people every night. and rats rats and more rats

Some day I'll write, "so I dreamed I was a Princess, in a far away land...and I had a horse and a puppy and I got to go shopping at Crate and Barrel every day. And I was oh so happy."

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I need to set priorities.

Currently, I am taking a couple of courses, working part-time painting, building bird houses that I sell, taking care of the house I live in and the people I live with. I live in a room in my cousin's house, and help take care of 3 semi-disabled adults, 3 dogs, a 2 acre yard, do the cooking, cleaning, yard work, laundry, exchange for room and board. I'm making almost no money, the part-time job is not going well. I have no vehicle, a headache, and I think a hangnail on, wait a minute, it's the other hand.

I need to eat healthier, loose 30 pounds, get a haircut, and stop slouching. I mostly need a business I can do from home that will pay enough to live on. (and I need to stop ending sentences with prepositions! I just can't help it!) Until I find that, I need a 'real' job and to stop messing around with a few bucks here and there. Until recently, I've worked full-time since I was 16. I owned my own business for 17 years. I've worked at different jobs, and can do a lot of things. This gives me tons of experience and a mess of a resume.

H E L P !




Tried yet another church today. The third one of this denomination. Will try another church, another denomination next week. These particular three churches are identical in most ways. They had the same white-haired ushers, with matching suits and glasses. The same congregations in the same clothes, and the same drowsy look on their faces. And, the same peculiar habit of not sitting in the front of the church. In every one, the congregation started about a fourth of the way back, so that all the pews in front of the pastor were empty. Hmmm. And of course the pastors, very nice guys. Same calm, mild, voice, same calm, mild sermons. Great guys, but.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz         J


A Change In Attitudes

I've caught the excitement of the inauguration the past few days. This is something the country desperately needs. I've talked about my depression, and it's clear the country is in a depression also, and not just financially. People are finding a reason to hope, a reason for hope, in Obama. This is a great thing. He may or may not possess the ability to live up to expectations, but the fact that so many people are behind him, that people believe things will be better, will make it true. We all know attitude is a very powerful tool, and take millions of people who think their lives will be better in the next year, and you bet their lives will be better. It will take more than a year to change drastically, but the time will certainly be shortened with this new attitude.

Found It

Ahh, there you are. I made a couple, ok, 4 homepages with 4 different providers, and am not sure where they all are. I like this one the best, it's very pleasing to look at and easy to use. The only problem is there's not near the traffic there is on some of the others, like myspace. I made my sites for myself, and write for myself as a therapeutic experiment. But, somehow it's kind of bothering me that I'm doing this and don't have anyone else to read it. Not that anyone would want to read it, but it'd be nice if someone kind of stumbled in here by accident and their computer screen kind of froze for a minute on the blog and they accidently read it, don't you think? Oh, that's right, you're not here. Well, I was kind of surprised to find my site again, and I had already forgotten about the keyboard incident, so it was almost like someone new reading it.   J


Lost the Instruction Manual

  I haven't been blogging much. Going through a depression, worse than it has been in a couple of years. I know I just have to keep trying, keep doing what I have to, and it will pass. It's hard to do anything I don't have to though. Know what I mean? I don't know what else to do. I don't want to wait until it leaves, I want it gone, now. I don't understand how someone can be one person for 30 years, and then just be kind of...lost, I guess. I could understand a year or so, but I just haven't been able to pull myself together. I feel like such a failure. I think I might need to move away from this area. It probably doesn't have anything to do with it, but I haven't progressed since I've been here. My situation has gotten worse instead of better. Not sure what to do, I want to be near my kids but they are scattered in 3 different states. I'd like to be near them, in Austin or South Bend, but I do not like either of those places. Too hot, too big, too cold, too dismal. I don't know, I guess I thought it might help to write about it. Hey Spacers, where should I move? What should I do? I sure pray a lot about it. Any fortune tellers out there?

Of course there are really great things in my life too though, I don't ever forget that or take it for granted. My kids and grandkids are doing great and bring me a great deal of pleasure. My health is good and my sense of humor is there no matter what. I've never really been so depressed I didn't giggle at stuff. Go figure.

Send me life instructions, I seem to have lost my copy.      jan

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So I'm sitting here, and I glance at the keyboard (I can't type an @ without looking), and notice little chunks of drywall mud have flaked off my hands and onto/into the keyboard. (I'm a part-time painter/remodeler). I got home from work and grabbed a sandwich, and plopped down at the computer. I guess I didn't scrub my hands enough. So, I got up and went to wash my hands again and to bring some qtips and a little paint brush to clean up my keyboard. Well, there weren't any qtips so I went to Walmart. There I was in Walmart with several storage containers, some of those little barbequed chicken nuggets from the Deli, the new Simpsons movie and shoelaces. I ran into a friend and we started talking, and decided to go to MaxMax the coffee shop and hang out a while. I was leaving Walmart and was at the register about to pay for my stuff and looked at the money in my hand, and noticed the drywall mud still there. I went back to get the q-tips, checked out, and came home instead of going to MaxMax. It's hard (but fun) being me.


Wanna Ride Bikes?

The thing is, is i don't know what to put on paper. what to actually write. But my head is always so full of chaos, and it's supposed to help to write things down. Like if i write some of it down it gets rid of it and there's more room in my head. Although all that's gonna happen is the chaos that's impatiently (no, chaos cannot wait patiently) waiting in the wings or maybe around my ears or somewhere else close to my brain because i don't actuallly have wings, is going to flood in and take up the space left by what i put on paper.

I'm adhd, and most of my life I've been very good at working around it. I've usually used it to my advantage, but right now my life situation has changed and it's driving me a little nuts. Can you tell?? I used to own a day care, which was the perfect job for me, because my attention span was the same as the toddlers! Every few minutes we could do something different and everyone was happy. I've done that on other jobs but everyone was NOT happy. I do well when I have a full time job and go to school and take care of people and pets and houses and yards. I love to clean and cook too. The more I have to do, or the more pressure I'm under, the easier it is for me to concentrate. I'm very busy right now, but not under the same pressure. I get very sidetracked, very easily.  Hey, wanna ride bikes? 



I don't know how to blog. I just know I'm supposed to write. Something, anything I guess. Well, I did it, that's enough for now. Whew....I gotta rest.    J



I usually don't make resolutions, because to me it's a list that says: here's the things you're definitely going to fail at this year. It's because I still have that defiant teenager in my head that will dig her heels in at the very idea there's something I am or am not supposed to do.

This year I want to make it easier for me, asking things of myself that I think I can succeed at will give me more confidence, and hopefully a higher self-esteem, which is lower than a snake's belly right now.

The first thing on my list is:

1. I will not smoke in 2009.

I know this is a very common, but difficult resolution for many people. I really  think I can do this one. I've never smoked before, so all I have to do is not take it up.

2. I'm going to try to take up gambling. This one will be harder because I don't gamble and have a problem with the idea. I play things way too safe, and therefore don't have anything. I've given up on the idea that if it's meant for me to win the lottery, I'll find the winning ticket in a parking lot. I need to stick my neck out and gamble a dollar every few weeks to give myself a (slightly) better chance at winning. Wild wild girl I'm becoming, geez, next thing you know I'll go on a date. Ohh my...I must stop this foolishness before it escalates to drinking a beer!

Is it here yet?

Is it the new year yet? I've been a little sick for a couple weeks or more, just that winter/sinus/bronchitis thing I get because of my asthma, nothing serious. It will turn into the spring/sinus/bronchitis asthma thing in a couple Anyway, I've been fighting it pretty well, but still run a low fever about all the time. BUT, last night and this morning, I slept for 12 hours!  I feel SOOO much better. Hey, maybe I was just sleepy. When I woke up about an hour ago, I was really out of it, thought ohhh i'm so tired...and started to go back to sleep when i realized I'd been asleep that long. Geez!

So, anyway, I was sure you'd all want to have an update on my sleeping patterns. lol, naw, I'll write more later. Possibly something more interesting, but probably not.   Love You All, HAPPY NEW YEAR!