I woke up this morning from a dream about sock puppets. I was creating a commercial - for what I have no idea. I had a whole bunch of sock puppets singing "Sock it to me Baby". I don't think I've thought of that awful song since the 60's, yet there it was in surround sound in my dream. I've never liked sock puppets either. I remember making the commercial and being quite pleased with it though.
Lately I've been working in a fast-food place and living in a really bad apartment in a really bad part of a really bad town in my dreams. Walking through the alleys, going in other apartments, scared all the time. Same places and people every night. and rats rats and more rats
Some day I'll write, "so I dreamed I was a Princess, in a far away land...and I had a horse and a puppy and I got to go shopping at Crate and Barrel every day. And I was oh so happy."
I've caught the excitement of the inauguration the past few days. This is something the country desperately needs. I've talked about my depression, and it's clear the country is in a depression also, and not just financially. People are finding a reason to hope, a reason for hope, in Obama. This is a great thing. He may or may not possess the ability to live up to expectations, but the fact that so many people are behind him, that people believe things will be better, will make it true. We all know attitude is a very powerful tool, and take millions of people who think their lives will be better in the next year, and you bet their lives will be better. It will take more than a year to change drastically, but the time will certainly be shortened with this new attitude.
I haven't been blogging much. Going through a depression, worse than it has been in a couple of years. I know I just have to keep trying, keep doing what I have to, and it will pass. It's hard to do anything I don't have to though. Know what I mean? I don't know what else to do. I don't want to wait until it leaves, I want it gone, now. I don't understand how someone can be one person for 30 years, and then just be kind of...lost, I guess. I could understand a year or so, but I just haven't been able to pull myself together. I feel like such a failure. I think I might need to move away from this area. It probably doesn't have anything to do with it, but I haven't progressed since I've been here. My situation has gotten worse instead of better. Not sure what to do, I want to be near my kids but they are scattered in 3 different states. I'd like to be near them, in Austin or South Bend, but I do not like either of those places. Too hot, too big, too cold, too dismal. I don't know, I guess I thought it might help to write about it. Hey Spacers, where should I move? What should I do? I sure pray a lot about it. Any fortune tellers out there?
Of course there are really great things in my life too though, I don't ever forget that or take it for granted. My kids and grandkids are doing great and bring me a great deal of pleasure. My health is good and my sense of humor is there no matter what. I've never really been so depressed I didn't giggle at stuff. Go figure.
Send me life instructions, I seem to have lost my copy. jan
I usually don't make resolutions, because to me it's a list that says: here's the things you're definitely going to fail at this year. It's because I still have that defiant teenager in my head that will dig her heels in at the very idea there's something I am or am not supposed to do.
This year I want to make it easier for me, asking things of myself that I think I can succeed at will give me more confidence, and hopefully a higher self-esteem, which is lower than a snake's belly right now.
The first thing on my list is:
1. I will not smoke in 2009.
I know this is a very common, but difficult resolution for many people. I really think I can do this one. I've never smoked before, so all I have to do is not take it up.
2. I'm going to try to take up gambling. This one will be harder because I don't gamble and have a problem with the idea. I play things way too safe, and therefore don't have anything. I've given up on the idea that if it's meant for me to win the lottery, I'll find the winning ticket in a parking lot. I need to stick my neck out and gamble a dollar every few weeks to give myself a (slightly) better chance at winning. Wild wild girl I'm becoming, geez, next thing you know I'll go on a date. Ohh my...I must stop this foolishness before it escalates to drinking a beer!
Is it the new year yet? I've been a little sick for a couple weeks or more, just that winter/sinus/bronchitis thing I get because of my asthma, nothing serious. It will turn into the spring/sinus/bronchitis asthma thing in a couple months...lol. Anyway, I've been fighting it pretty well, but still run a low fever about all the time. BUT, last night and this morning, I slept for 12 hours! I feel SOOO much better. Hey, maybe I was just sleepy. When I woke up about an hour ago, I was really out of it, thought ohhh i'm so tired...and started to go back to sleep when i realized I'd been asleep that long. Geez!
So, anyway, I was sure you'd all want to have an update on my sleeping patterns. lol, naw, I'll write more later. Possibly something more interesting, but probably not. Love You All, HAPPY NEW YEAR!