I'm going through my boxes of papers and 'stuff', and throwing things away. I am finally at the point, where it doesn't matter. I don't want it. I kept thinking, this is who I was, I will find my way back there, I will become the way I used to be. Duh, it finally hit on me, no, it doesn't happen like that. It's like the wake of a boat, it's there, it's real, and then it's gone and new wake is there. Constantly changing. You don't go back and look for the wake that you saw before, no matter how much you liked it. It's gone and pay attention because there's a new one. It's ever changing, good, bad, and middle, it just 'is'.
And, another thing is, how can I make room for 'new' if my arms are still full of the 'old'. Put it down, let it go, then there's room for new. That's true even in a very basic sense, whether it's new experiences, ideas, clothing, anything. Even with clothing, I'd feel like, I don't like it, but I can wear it and what if I get rid of it and I can't get another one. I will get another one when it's time. That's it. I'm not going to be naked, I will have clothes. And every single thing I need.
It's harder with my personality and the traits that make or made up who I used to be. But what if, what if, what if....there's not new, there's nothing? That's what I've been afraid of for so long. I had one way to define myself, and I liked it fine, and if I didn't have that, would I even exist? I was so afraid.
I asked God so many times to help me, to let me know what to do, and He was, but I didn't know it. He gently brought me along this path, gave me choices, and helped me and loved me every minute. I fall down a lot, and maybe always will, but He stays right there and helps me up, no matter what I do wrong. I have been working on trusting Him to lead me, trusting that He knows the way when I don't have a clue. I'm trying to let go of all my "but what if's" and just treat each day as if it were a wonderful gift given to me. Because it is.
It's funny, I had an image in my head when I was writing that, of God standing there with his arms folded and a bored, but loving, look on his face while he watched me running around him in circles over and over again, panicking trying to figure everything out and where He was and He was right there beside me, waiting for me to calm down and listen.
I know this stuff sounds weird or very simple to a lot of people, but this has been serious stuff for me. I feel like I stopped running around in circles and I'm very much aware of God being with me. I want to remember I'll probably always get sidetracked and go off looking for Him and not paying attention, but maybe with each time, I'll find my way back faster. As long as I find my way back, I'll be okay.