I'm going through my boxes of papers and 'stuff', and throwing things away. I am finally at the point, where it doesn't matter. I don't want it. I kept thinking, this is who I was, I will find my way back there, I will become the way I used to be. Duh, it finally hit on me, no, it doesn't happen like that. It's like the wake of a boat, it's there, it's real, and then it's gone and new wake is there. Constantly changing. You don't go back and look for the wake that you saw before, no matter how much you liked it. It's gone and pay attention because there's a new one. It's ever changing, good, bad, and middle, it just 'is'.

And, another thing is, how can I make room for 'new' if my arms are still full of the 'old'. Put it down, let it go, then there's room for new. That's true even in a very basic sense, whether it's new experiences, ideas, clothing, anything. Even with clothing, I'd feel like, I don't like it, but I can wear it and what if I get rid of it and I can't get another one. I will get another one when it's time. That's it. I'm not going to be naked, I will have clothes. And every single thing I need.

It's harder with my personality and the traits that make or made up who I used to be. But what if, what if, what if....there's not new, there's nothing? That's what I've been afraid of for so long. I had one way to define myself, and I liked it fine, and if I didn't have that, would I even exist? I was so afraid.

I asked God so many times to help me, to let me know what to do, and He was, but I didn't know it. He gently brought me along this path, gave me choices, and helped me and loved me every minute. I fall down a lot, and maybe always will, but He stays right there and helps me up, no matter what I do wrong. I have been working on trusting Him to lead me, trusting that He knows the way when I don't have a clue. I'm trying to let go of all my "but what if's" and just treat each day as if it were a wonderful gift given to me. Because it is.

It's funny, I had an image in my head when I was writing that, of God standing there with his arms folded and a bored, but loving, look on his face while he watched me running around him in circles over and over again, panicking trying to figure everything out and where He was and He was right there beside me, waiting for me to calm down and listen.

I know this stuff sounds weird or very simple to a lot of people, but this has been serious stuff for me. I feel like I stopped running around in circles and I'm very much aware of God being with me. I want to remember I'll probably always get sidetracked and go off looking for Him and not paying attention, but maybe with each time, I'll find my way back faster. As long as I find my way back, I'll be okay.


Books, movies, music.

I'm trying to tackle adding favorite books to my Space. I have so many, so many. On so many different topics. I only keep books that I love. I live in a little room, and have over 700 books. And of course, I read several a week from the library. I'm an information junkie for sure. I HAVE to know things. If I see a tree I don't know, or hear a word I don't know the meaning of, I can't stand it. I gotta find out. And of course, the more you know, the more you realize you DON'T know much at all, so it's a viscous circle, I'll tell ya.

So I'm at least trying to add some of the authors I like. As far as fiction goes, I don't read a lot of fiction, and most of it is very light. It's like an hour vacation for me, and I love to just escape with a light mystery like Grafton's or Evanovich's.

Movies are the opposite problem, I'm not a movie person. I can't sit still to get through a whole movie anyway. So I'll just list a few I liked enough to buy them. And music, I only like a little bit of music.   I know, what's with me anyway??



I came home from work and took a nap. 4 hours. Is that a nap or am I done for the day/night? I feel better though. Every now and then you just gotta indulge in some good sleep.

I've been wrestling with the asthma/bronchitis stuff for a month or so, but I did go months without it. Then the day before Spring, I had had a cold, and was getting worse so I went to the doc, hoping to head off the circle of respiratory stuff. Too late, bronchitis and pneumonia. Almost made it all the way through the winter. I wish I had answers for this stuff. I do NOT want to be on meds full-time. They are saying that's what I need to do, but I just think I have so much time without symptoms, I'm not ready to take pills and steroid inhalers every day. I have lung damage and asthma from growing up in a house where both parents smoked. I never smoked. My parents both smoked 2+ packs a day, but we didn't have money for proper groceries or medical help, bought a lot of our school clothes at Goodwill, etc...but they had money for cigarettes. NOT that I'm ANGRY or anything. lol. I know we all make mistakes, they made them and so do I. Just different ones. My brother has similar respiratory issues, but my 2 sisters do not. Go figure.

Hey, it was in the 80's yesterday, bright and sunny. Gorgeous. It's going to snow tonight! I love the changes. Love them! Supposed to have snow the next couple of days, doubt it stays on the ground long after the warm weather we've had. Oh, I just heard the news, it's snowing now in the area. I'm in the northeast corner of Tennessee, in the mountains. Kingsport. Gorgeous place. But Eastman is heck on my asthma, I'll tell ya.      


So many personalities, so little time.

I have multiple facebook, twitter, myspace, windows live, and blogger sites that I can't even find. So many personalities, so little time...

And the websites, if it's free...I got one. I just don't know where they are or what I named them or the password. I feel so guilty taking up all this cyberspace. Most delete them after a certain amount of time, so I hope like bad debts only years faster, they are gone.

This and 1 of my facebooks is all I ever show up for. I was following me on Twitter but I got lost. Oh dear.