Found It

Ahh, there you are. I made a couple, ok, 4 homepages with 4 different providers, and am not sure where they all are. I like this one the best, it's very pleasing to look at and easy to use. The only problem is there's not near the traffic there is on some of the others, like myspace. I made my sites for myself, and write for myself as a therapeutic experiment. But, somehow it's kind of bothering me that I'm doing this and don't have anyone else to read it. Not that anyone would want to read it, but it'd be nice if someone kind of stumbled in here by accident and their computer screen kind of froze for a minute on the blog and they accidently read it, don't you think? Oh, that's right, you're not here. Well, I was kind of surprised to find my site again, and I had already forgotten about the keyboard incident, so it was almost like someone new reading it.   J

Lost the Instruction Manual

  I haven't been blogging much. Going through a depression, worse than it has been in a couple of years. I know I just have to keep trying, keep doing what I have to, and it will pass. It's hard to do anything I don't have to though. Know what I mean? I don't know what else to do. I don't want to wait until it leaves, I want it gone, now. I don't understand how someone can be one person for 30 years, and then just be kind of...lost, I guess. I could understand a year or so, but I just haven't been able to pull myself together. I feel like such a failure. I think I might need to move away from this area. It probably doesn't have anything to do with it, but I haven't progressed since I've been here. My situation has gotten worse instead of better. Not sure what to do, I want to be near my kids but they are scattered in 3 different states. I'd like to be near them, in Austin or South Bend, but I do not like either of those places. Too hot, too big, too cold, too dismal. I don't know, I guess I thought it might help to write about it. Hey Spacers, where should I move? What should I do? I sure pray a lot about it. Any fortune tellers out there?

Of course there are really great things in my life too though, I don't ever forget that or take it for granted. My kids and grandkids are doing great and bring me a great deal of pleasure. My health is good and my sense of humor is there no matter what. I've never really been so depressed I didn't giggle at stuff. Go figure.

Send me life instructions, I seem to have lost my copy.      jan

Technorati Tags: depression

Trip

So I'm sitting here, and I glance at the keyboard (I can't type an @ without looking), and notice little chunks of drywall mud have flaked off my hands and onto/into the keyboard. (I'm a part-time painter/remodeler). I got home from work and grabbed a sandwich, and plopped down at the computer. I guess I didn't scrub my hands enough. So, I got up and went to wash my hands again and to bring some qtips and a little paint brush to clean up my keyboard. Well, there weren't any qtips so I went to Walmart. There I was in Walmart with several storage containers, some of those little barbequed chicken nuggets from the Deli, the new Simpsons movie and shoelaces. I ran into a friend and we started talking, and decided to go to MaxMax the coffee shop and hang out a while. I was leaving Walmart and was at the register about to pay for my stuff and looked at the money in my hand, and noticed the drywall mud still there. I went back to get the q-tips, checked out, and came home instead of going to MaxMax. It's hard (but fun) being me.

Wanna Ride Bikes?

The thing is, is i don't know what to put on paper. what to actually write. But my head is always so full of chaos, and it's supposed to help to write things down. Like if i write some of it down it gets rid of it and there's more room in my head. Although all that's gonna happen is the chaos that's impatiently (no, chaos cannot wait patiently) waiting in the wings or maybe around my ears or somewhere else close to my brain because i don't actuallly have wings, is going to flood in and take up the space left by what i put on paper.

I'm adhd, and most of my life I've been very good at working around it. I've usually used it to my advantage, but right now my life situation has changed and it's driving me a little nuts. Can you tell?? I used to own a day care, which was the perfect job for me, because my attention span was the same as the toddlers! Every few minutes we could do something different and everyone was happy. I've done that on other jobs but everyone was NOT happy. I do well when I have a full time job and go to school and take care of people and pets and houses and yards. I love to clean and cook too. The more I have to do, or the more pressure I'm under, the easier it is for me to concentrate. I'm very busy right now, but not under the same pressure. I get very sidetracked, very easily.  Hey, wanna ride bikes? 

What?

I don't know how to blog. I just know I'm supposed to write. Something, anything I guess. Well, I did it, that's enough for now. Whew....I gotta rest.    J

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I usually don't make resolutions, because to me it's a list that says: here's the things you're definitely going to fail at this year. It's because I still have that defiant teenager in my head that will dig her heels in at the very idea there's something I am or am not supposed to do.

This year I want to make it easier for me, asking things of myself that I think I can succeed at will give me more confidence, and hopefully a higher self-esteem, which is lower than a snake's belly right now.

The first thing on my list is:

1. I will not smoke in 2009.

I know this is a very common, but difficult resolution for many people. I really  think I can do this one. I've never smoked before, so all I have to do is not take it up.

2. I'm going to try to take up gambling. This one will be harder because I don't gamble and have a problem with the idea. I play things way too safe, and therefore don't have anything. I've given up on the idea that if it's meant for me to win the lottery, I'll find the winning ticket in a parking lot. I need to stick my neck out and gamble a dollar every few weeks to give myself a (slightly) better chance at winning. Wild wild girl I'm becoming, geez, next thing you know I'll go on a date. Ohh my...I must stop this foolishness before it escalates to drinking a beer!

Is it here yet?

Is it the new year yet? I've been a little sick for a couple weeks or more, just that winter/sinus/bronchitis thing I get because of my asthma, nothing serious. It will turn into the spring/sinus/bronchitis asthma thing in a couple months...lol. Anyway, I've been fighting it pretty well, but still run a low fever about all the time. BUT, last night and this morning, I slept for 12 hours!  I feel SOOO much better. Hey, maybe I was just sleepy. When I woke up about an hour ago, I was really out of it, thought ohhh i'm so tired...and started to go back to sleep when i realized I'd been asleep that long. Geez!

So, anyway, I was sure you'd all want to have an update on my sleeping patterns. lol, naw, I'll write more later. Possibly something more interesting, but probably not.   Love You All, HAPPY NEW YEAR!