I was crossing a two lane road. The school bus came up over the hill to my right, speeding. He was so fast he hit me before I got across the road. I was in a 1990 Mazda, he hit the passenger side of the car. No passengers in my car nor in the bus. My car was knocked across the interection, took out a sign, went through the middle of two telephone poles with guy wires, and into a field. I remember vividly being hit, knowing I was dying and praying. Then I remember people yelling around me and telling me to be very still. My chest hurt so bad I was afraid I had crushed my heart or something, I couldn't get much of a breath, and there was blood everywhere. All I could think of were my kids. I'm a Christian, and I know a lot of Christians say they are ready to go to heaven at any time. But I don't want to leave yet. I don't. I love my life and everything that goes with it. I kept saying I didn't want to die. There were a couple of women who stayed right next to the car window with me, and one held my hand and prayed out loud for me. There wasn't a whole lot left of my car, and I know these people have seen cars catch on fire or even blow up from gas tanks, but there were a lot of people who stayed right there and tried to help. An off duty paramedic made sure I didn't move, and stopped the bleeding a couple of places, and then the firemen and paramedics were there. They were trying to get me out, and my radio was still playing the Alan Jackson gospel music cd I had been listening to. One remarked in a good natured way that it was probably having that on that saved me. I don't remember much for a while after that. I do remember how kind people were. I remember how kind the emergency crew was, and how the guy in the ambulance kept talking to me to keep me awake on the way to the hospital.
I did not have very serious injuries at all. I had a broken breast bone and a couple of broken ribs and some lacerations. I was very, very lucky.
For a long time afterward, actually I'm still going through this, I kept wondering why it happened, what I'm supposed to learn from it, what I'm supposed to be doing differently. And I just don't know. I expected some enlightenment, or something to happen to give me an inkling of what to do. And I don't know. Sometimes I feel so pathetic, so worthless, because I should be doing something important. And I just don't have a clue. Don't get me wrong, I am enormously grateful 24/7 for the incredibly wonderful life I have. I have blessings beyond measure every day of my life. I just want to give back more.
My Little Car
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My Jan, I hadn\'t looked at those pics in some time. They get me every time. I hadn\'t really even talked to you much about it since ...well, I guess, before Christmas. I know when we were driving down the road yesterday after the accident occurred and I looked at your face....I just knew where your mind went. I instantly thought of your accident too. There is one thing that keeps coming back to me. And I don\'t know if you had thought of it. But if we had been less than one minute slower, it could have been us she pulled in front of. It was like I blinked and looked in the side mirror and parts were flying and well......I wasn\'t thinking clearly, cause I thought she was hit on the passengers side. And like you said, driving back we realized it was the drivers side. I really the outcome was grave.
ReplyDeleteIf you look at jan\'s pics above and reverse in your mind the impact being on the drivers side....than you can imagine what the little car looked like yesterday. It has been very upsetting.
Jan was very lucky in her accident.....that was in Oct.\'07 and she still has visible signs....but the emotional impact has been much deeper. I hope you don\'t mind me saying that....but this is my viewpoint. Things like your accident and the terrible one yesterday makes one appreciate life more, as well as, those we love (and those who love us).
It\'s like a wake up call....you know!! Stop and smell the roses. Take one day at a time. Never take one moment or any one for granted.
Pat
Your worth is in your being. That\'s true for each of us. Accepting that can help relieve your distress and permit your mind a clearer picture of what you might do to give back. Emotional caring expressed by others is evidence that you are already giving back. You give us connection. Be patient with yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh this really got to me. You were surrounded by angels that day I believe. Thank God you are here with us now to tell the story. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOmg, the pictures are so scary. Thanks God, you had no injury or an other thing. You can buy a new car but life is not selling anywhere. Have a nice Sunday, cheers, Zeynep xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for your caring comments. The overwhelming feeling I had from the first moments was of being blessed. When I got to the hospital, some nurses were consoling me, and I told them I was the happiest person on earth - and this was BEFORE the morphine! And yes, no matter what I can\'t seem to loose the weird humor thingy. The paramedics were cutting me out of the car, and I heard the ambulances, and I said, "Hey, my ride\'s here!." People aren\'t letting me forget that either. lol. Some people think I\'m silly and not funny, but my humor is something I thank God for. It\'s part of what makes me me. Jan
ReplyDeleteAnd I meant to mention in that comment, that Kimmy, that\'s exactly what I thought. My car was smashed on all sides, but the little pocket I was sitting in, was safe. I told people God had His arms around me. A lot of my injuries even came from the seatbelt! Believe me, I\'m not complaining. I hope I can get something new enough to have AIRBAGS this next time. Jan
ReplyDeletewow I think you handled that crash so well....I would of been terrified......just the thought of not being here for my little boys is enough to make me cry....your so brave for thinking on the bright side hugs pookie x
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